Getting back into the swing of things certainly hasn't been what I expected. It's not the usual routine anymore. So, it's more like starting to swing things, with new rituals developing.
Saturday night, after trying to clean my room and a little sun time, was dinner with the abuelos. Going over to see my grandparents has become something I've really learned to cherish. The older I get, the more they mean to me. I always feel like I leave there a little wiser, with some bits of me renewed or found. My grandma has been feeding some baby ducks.
After they were done eating and the big ducks had come to try to get the rest of the bread,
another mommy duck came to see what was up, but she only had two little ducklings.
I wondered what happened to the rest.
Sunday, I started my 4 weeks of fitness. The gym and I are not friends. I felt so short of breath and heavy. I know, eventually, this will stop. I just need perseverance and motivation until then. Yesterday, I felt a little better trying to run and could feel the impact on my legs at work. This is a sign of progress. I just hope to get some spin classes in at some point, because I remember how much I used to love it and how good I felt when I was hardcore about it.
After having a venture at athleticism and reading on the beach, I had dinner at the dad's, where we watched The Lovely Bones. I really need to reread it, as I remember it totally different. Then again, I was so young when I read it, I'm sure I just didn't grasp some of the concepts. Nonetheless, something about child murders and rape always strikes such a nerve of discomfort. It really makes me sick.
After that, I reconnected with everyone at Greg's. It feels so good to be able to look at my boys and know that they've been my best friends since I was 14. While we're not as close as we used to be, it's nice to look back at how much we've all grown and changed - we're all adults now - but we also still have a deep-running love and respect for each other because we've helped each other through our tough times and left childhood behind together. It's a little saddening, but I just pray they'll be there for the next 7 years as well. There's just a level of comfort I feel with them, something that's natural and happy. It really was nice to just sit there and enjoy being surrounded by others, no hold barred and no judgements passed. This made me realize just how far we've come.
It seems that this week, though only Tuesday, has a theme of growing. Hanging out by the pool with friends who I used to carpool with in middle school, I felt lucky to know such great, good, kind people and know how much they care about me as well, even if it's just by nearly everyone asking "Where the hell have you been since summer started?" I missed them more than I expected. While those friendships are a continuation of life, I have to learn to let go of the people who don't want me in their lives as much as I wanted them in mine. It's hard, and this summer may be a little rough because of it, but I know moving on is for the best. I've known this for awhile. I just needed a catalyst to set me running. Last night, I got that. And while it feels like the end of the world and something is crushing my chest, eventually I'll gain the momentum I need, be able to take the big breaths I need, and I'll be back on track again. It's just a matter of keeping busy and clearing the clutter in my path, weeding out the bad, finding the happiness I'm chasing. I'll be able to run again. Maybe not today, or next week, but soon. Change is something I'm ready for.
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